When it rains it pours, apparently.

About a week ago my Big Box Store Boss came to and said a position was opening up that they wanted me to apply for. I had worked for this same company (different store) doing this job while I was in college ten years ago. Granted, in ten years things have changed, but I was confident that I could pick it back up quickly. Also, it was a job that I really didn’t mind doing. I even kind of liked it. It was behind the scenes crunching numbers. So I applied. I interviewed. I got the job.

It’s a small pay bump, but guaranteed hours, guaranteed schedule. I’ll be done early enough in the afternoon that I can get things done, go to interviews, etc. without having to totally rearrange my schedule. So that’s a good thing. And in the interview my manager mentioned that she didn’t realize that I had an MBA and would I be interested on getting onto a management track? This position would help that. I told her that yes, I would and we agreed to keep lines of communication open about it.

But here’s where things get funny.

I had had two interviews with another local company for a management position. The last interview was two weeks ago. I had reached out late last week and hadn’t heard anything back so I kind of shrugged, was a little disappointed, and tried to move on. Guess who called today to schedule the final interview. Yep, that’s right. I was driving when they called, but as soon as I saw the number I knew who it was. I called them back as soon as we parked the car. Interview scheduled for Tuesday morning.

About three hours later I got a call from an out of state number. Another company I had applied to calling to schedule a Skype interview. Set that up for Tuesday afternoon.

Holy crap.

I graduated with my MBA a little over two years ago. Since then I’ve watched my classmates find success. My background was working against me – BS in science and an MBA? What an odd combination. But people are starting to see past those few words and reading the things I did at my lab jobs that were outside of science. Project management. Customer relations. Sales. Technical support. How I took on things that were outside of my normal duties to learn new areas.

It has been an absolute mental battle to apply for jobs. I worry that I’m not good enough. I’m worried that I’ll never be good enough. I worry that I’m going to fail and let everyone down again. I know most people have those thoughts, but thanks to my skewed ways of thinking these are pervasive. Every thanks but no thanks email is just another reinforcing pillar that all of these things are true. Each one was another stab to my gut telling me that I’m going to fail and that I deserve nothing good in this life.

I’m letting myself be cautiously optimistic, for once. But I’m also waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good things don’t happen without the bad. But wouldn’t the last year and a half constitute the bad? If you believe that sort of thing, maybe the stars have finally aligned in my favor. Maybe by the one year anniversary of me taking the plunge and leaving my last major career-like job I’ll have a new offer letter and my life will be full of promise again. Maybe we really do have to put up with the bad to get to the good – the bipolar, the anxiety, the depression, the uncertainty, the lack of funds, the hard times. Maybe it really is my time to shine. And maybe I’ll finally find my own success.

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