And now, I can’t sleep

I have a training class for work tomorrow. Have to be up early, on the other side of town. So I went to bed early – took a melatonin and settled in for a nice sleep.

Almost exactly an hour after I fell asleep I woke up in an absolute panic. I was supposed to do an online e-learning course sometime this week before the class. I was convinced that I hadn’t done it.

So, heart racing, I flew out to the living room, booted up my laptop, went online to the portal… only to discover that I did the class on Sunday.

And now, I can’t sleep.

My heart is racing, my breathing heavy. I tried to lay back down and go back to sleep but now I’m too keyed up.

I fucking hate anxiety.

I really wanted to get a good night’s sleep in. I felt like crap today – acid reflux can be a real pain in the ass – so I wanted to be well rested for tomorrow. Sitting in a classroom for 8 hours on a Saturday is not my idea of a good time. As it is, I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow.

I feel like, though, there’s something to explore here.

People don’t realize the effects that anxiety can have. I mean, it’s not like you get anxious and then immediately get over it. It takes time to calm down and regroup, even if it isn’t a full-on anxiety attack. So while I’m writing this I’m doing deep breathing exercises to bring my heart rate down and relax.

But anyway, I digress.

Anxiety isn’t just a mental problem. Sure, it all starts in your head when those pesky little neurotransmitters get all wonky. Your thoughts start to get away from you. But then your heart starts to race, your breathing becomes short and labored. You start to sweat. Your legs get restless. Your fingers get tingly and numb. It gets to be uncomfortable to be in your own skin. And sometimes, all of these symptoms get totally out of control and you have a panic attack. But sometimes… sometimes these things just linger for an indeterminate amount of time.

So that’s where I am. Trying to calm my racing heart, to cool off, to calm my legs down. At least I didn’t start to sweat.

Well, I think I’m calm enough to try to get some sleep. Wish me luck.


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