It’s easy to doubt yourself – your abilities, your feelings, your mental state, hell pretty much everything about you. What’s hard is being confident and having faith in yourself. And to have faith in other people.
I doubt a lot of things, both about myself and others. I doubt that I’m good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough. I doubt that I made the right choices. I doubt how I feel about people, things, situations. I doubt how people feel about me.
I’m trying hard to put those doubts aside and be the confident, self-assured person that deep down I know that I can be. I feel like somewhere in me is the ability to take on the world, be who I really am despite what other people might think or say. That person is just hard to find.
I know a lot of this stems from anxiety. The constant worrying, the second-guessing, the self confidence issues. These are some of the most prevalent ways that my anxiety manifests. I’m not scared of leaving the house, new situations don’t terrify me into inaction (ok, maybe a little but I’m still able to overcome that relatively easily), social situations can throw me for a loop but I can generally deal once I loosen up. I can handle a lot; my anxiety tends to be all internal. I replay scenarios in my head from 30 years ago, wondering how I should have handled it differently. I question and analyze my relationships with people. I hate it. My brain is in constant motion, even at night. Hell, especially at night.
I wish I could quiet it down. I wish that I could just enjoy life for what it is. But I guess that’s not my lot.