“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

I feel like I’m living in a state of constant confusion. There’s just so much happening – professionally, personally. Half the time I have no idea what’s going on. In some ways, it’s kind of nice. I never know what the day is going to hold. But the problem is my emotions seem to be in constant turmoil. In some situations I don’t know which way is up anymore. I’m going in 100 directions at once.

I think the hardest part of mental illness is finding stability. Not rocking the boat. But let’s face it – sometimes rocking the boat can be fun and exciting. Until it all ends in tears and picking up the pieces of your life.

It’s hard to find anything even remotely stable in this world. There’s so much that’s in constant flux, constant turmoil. The trick is to search out that stability and hold on to it once you find it. Grab it with both hands and don’t let go.

I don’t want to let go, but I also want to have fun.

I fucking hate this.

Sometimes…. sometimes I want to go off of my meds. There, I said it. I think that if I could go hypomanic, and just hypomanic only, I would in a heartbeat. I’d love to feel that feeling again, even for a little bit.

But I won’t. There’s no guarantee that that’s all that would happen. Depression is just as likely. So is mania. And God knows that I don’t want to go down that road again. I don’t want to even take a step down that road ever again.

I don’t… I don’t know what to do anymore. I think that I just need to hold on to the stability that I’ve found.

I think it’s time for bed. I’m getting far too introspective and rambly and I’m not entirely sure any of this made any kind of sense.

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