mental health

I just want to go back to bed

I literally got 12 hours of sleep last night – I went to bed at 6:30pm and woke up at 6:40 this morning, just enough time to barely make it to work on time (spoiler: I was about 5 minutes late). It’s not that I didn’t set alarms. I absolutely did. I just slept through All. Of. Them.

We’ve noticed over the years that this is one of the signs that depression is coming, obviously among other things, but this seems to be an early warning system.

I admit, I feel a little bit better today. Sort of. I was very productive at work, came home and got a bunch of stuff done, and once Mike goes to bed early I’m going to force myself to go to the gym (another spoiler: I really don’t want to go, but I think it’s important to make myself at this point, even if I just walk on the treadmill for a half an hour. Going seems to be the hard part. Once I’m there I do what I need to do.)

My shrink still hasn’t gotten back to me, which is odd for him. But I know he’s transitioning into a new role and might not have time? I don’t know.

But it’s interesting – now that I know what I’m looking for, I can easily identify it as depression. I’ve been wearing my hair up most days, which is definitely something I don’t normally do. I love my hair. It’s long and black and I feel much more confident when it’s down. When it’s up it’s like I hope that no one notices me. I’ve worn my glasses more. Same kind of reasoning. I’m sleeping through my alarm most days. I’m not getting enjoyment out of things – I’m doing it because I feel like I have to, not because I want to. And… it might sound weird, but I feel like everything is kind of… deadened, for lack of a better word. I feel like I’m just existing rather than living.

I’m really hoping that this doesn’t last long. There’s too much going on to be dealing with this, too.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for today. Stay safe, friends.

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