mental health

Vacation is almost over

Sad panda. I got a lot of things done. There are still things that I didn’t do, but those are things that can wait until next week, or even later. I took a lot of time to relax, do things that I wanted to do, see people that I wanted to see.

I tend to be so driven, working towards different goals every day – things to do around the house, things to enhance my career, things to take care of everything in this house that breathes. But one thing I did this week off was get my head on straight. I go to reassess my priorities, something I’ve been working on for a few weeks now.

I spread myself too thin, generally. I take on too much, try to do too much, try to be too much to too many people.

So here’s what I’ve come up with.

Self: health, mental health, fitness, social
Home: Mike, cats, keeping the house running
Career: work, classes

Obviously not in that order, but the key point is that I need to stop putting myself, my needs, and my health at the bottom of the list of priorities.

I think I’ve talked about this before – the way I was raised was that I was always the last priority. Family, parents and grandparents, church, all of these things were more important than myself. It’s taken a lot of hard work over the last twenty years to realize that this belief system is toxic and not in my best interest.

I saw a friend this week that moved out of town a few years ago. She laughed that I’ve become so emo. Perhaps, but for the first time in my life I’m comfortable with who I am. Most people rebel against their parents in their teens and early twenties. It just took me twenty years of therapy to shake off the expectations of everyone else to be who I want to be. It’s kind of funny really – my family is conservative, Catholic, straight-laced, and up-tight. In so many ways I’m nothing like them. And I’m finally ok with that.

One of the things I need to work on in terms of self is that I need to learn to be ok with not living up to other people’s expectations. The only expectations that matter are my own. I need to learn to set reasonable expectations and goals. I need to learn to be ok with myself and not feel like I’m a disappointment. Because I’m not. I can’t change who I am, and I’m tired of trying to fight it.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Stay safe, friends!

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