I have a very negative body image. I’m sure that by all rights I have a fairly average build, but all I see is imperfections. I spend a lot of time weighing and logging the food that I eat, designing meals that fit into my day without going over numbers while still trying to enjoy them, either going to the gym after a long hard day at work or working out at home, generally trying to build a better me.
I say that I want to look better, be healthier, try to avoid the health problems that plague my family. But at the end of the day, I really want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I worry sometimes that I’m cruising down the road of an eating disorder. Will I see reality once I’ve lost the weight and put on the muscle and be able to be happy with myself? Or will it never be enough? Maybe the fact that I worry about this is proof enough that this won’t be a problem. But I don’t buy it. I can see myself still picking out the imperfections.
At the end of the day, I care a lot about my appearance. For a lot of years I didn’t care how I looked. Now I’ve gone the other way completely. Maybe I care too much.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s 1:30 in the morning and I just need to go to bed.