mental health

Hit a personal best last night

Went to the gym last night, bound and determined to push myself and see what I could do at max effort. Guys – I ran a 15 minute mile. I pushed myself hard for that 15 minutes, and I managed to do it. The second 15 weren’t as great, but still good Another 0.8 mi. Still pretty damn good. I’m not complaining. I set out with the goal of pushing myself, and that’s exactly what I did. And I hit a PR while I was at it.

I ended up calling the vet this morning after spending some time Googling Peeps’s symptoms. My suspicions are the cat flu based on GoogleU, but who knows what they’re going to say. We’ve been giving him fluids in a syringe for the past three days, as much as he’ll tolerate us doing. We’re certainly not going to hold him down and force feed him, much as I might like to make sure he’s getting enough fluids and some nutrients. Mike’s taking him to the vet tomorrow while I’m at work. I’m really nervous and scared – I don’t want to lose him too. Not only because I would be devastated, but also because he’s so young – he’s only 3. He should have a whole lot of life and cuddles left in him. I’m hoping we can just hit him with an antibiotic or steroids or something and start to see some improvement. I just want him to get better. I don’t know how people do kids – I’m a wreck about the cat. I can’t imagine if you had a kid that was seriously ill.

I had an interesting conversation with Mike last night about something that I talked about in therapy. Just because you didn’t sustain physical or sexual trauma when you were a kid doesn’t mean that you didn’t experience mental trauma. My new therapist and I were talking about family expectations and what my childhood was like, and she brought that point up. Apparently a lot of the things that I do, that I struggle with, are a psychological result of that trauma. I had never considered that. It’s not that my family was abusive, it was just the expectations, the way I was taught that family always comes first and the ways that that was reinforced, etc. are manifested in adult me by things like being a people-pleaser, still working hard to meet expectations that are impossible, and on and on. I am not trying to minimize other people’s own trauma, not in the least, but it was interesting to think that there can be other factors at play that might not be labeled as such.

So this morning I did something that I almost never do. I got up relatively early (that in and of itself is something I don’t do unless I have to), and just let the morning happen. I spent some time on Reddit, TikTok, reading a book, drinking coffee, and just vegging on the couch in my PJs. Everything I have to do today can easily get done during the rest of the day, so there was no need for me to immediately get up and start working. So I relaxed for a bit. I’m having a bit of anxiety about it looking at my to-do list, but I’m trying to not let that anxiety ruin my day. What gets done, gets done. I know what absolutely needs to be done, and what can be put off to another day if I don’t get to it today. No big deal. Right? I’m trying to tell myself that, but it’s hard. Apparently I have a lot of anxiety about getting things done.

On that note, I’m going to go start to tackle the list. I hope everyone is having a great day. Stay safe, friends!

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