mental health · new me · wellness

I think the meds are working

It’s been about a week since I started the new medication. So far, so good. I’ve found that it’s easier to concentrate, it’s easier to finish something that I start, it’s easier to stay focused, and I’ve found that I’ve been fidgeting less. All good things. The dry mouth though…. oh Lord above, the dry mouth. I’ve always had a bit of it since I started on the lithium 15 years ago, but this… this is unreal. I need to invest in some of those biotene lozenges. Those have worked in the past, I think I need to revisit that until this goes away.

I’ve been doing some thinking recently. Some introspection Do I really like the person that I am? By and large, I do. It’s taken a lot of years, but I’m finally starting to be comfortable in my own skin. But are there things I don’t like? Sure. But it seems like those things I can change with a bit of work.

Unless you’ve never visited my blog before, you know that I go in fits and starts with diet and exercise. But I think in some ways I’m scared to lose the weight. I’m intimidated by the work. I’m frustrated by all of the diet advice out there. I get frustrated easily with the whole thing. I get frustrated that, because of my work schedule, I can’t get to the gym as often as I want or like. I’m frustrated because when it comes to food – I don’t have a lot of self control. I’m a snacker, always have been. And that’s a hard behavior to change, especially when it’s so engrained. When I was a kid I was an incredibly picky eater, and as such, I was incredibly thin. So to encourage me to gain weight, my favorite snacks were always available. So I snacked more than I ate regular meals. I’m trying to substitute something healthier when I do snack – apples, clementines, hummus and naan, rice cakes, etc. But I do keep some candy and sweets around and work a little bit into my meal plan every day (things like 2 orange crème twizzlers, a handful of peanut M&Ms, three peach rings, etc.). Fingers crossed. I guess I just keep plugging at it.

My job. Please don’t get me wrong, I like my job, but I know that I can do more. So this summer is going to be spent on my resume, job hunting, and getting myself out there and hoping that something shakes out. It’s not like I bounce around jobs often – I’ve been with my current company for almost two years, and before that I was at the lab for 6.5. I’ve learned the hard way, though, when it’s time to make a move. And the time is coming, I can feel it. I don’t know where I’ll land of what I’ll end up doing, but I know my opportunity will come. I just have to be ready for it.

My mental health has always been a point of contention for me. But for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m being proactive instead of reactive. I’m in regular therapy, I’ve found a new doctor that takes a more aggressive approach. I didn’t realize it until I saw my new doc, but my last doc was very content with the status quo. He didn’t want to medicate my ADHD, which I’m realizing now was a mistake. He didn’t want to prescribe anything for my anxiety, also probably a mistake. So for years I’ve lived with symptoms that I didn’t have to, mainly because I was too stubborn to push for them. Stubborn, you may ask? Yes, stubborn.

When I was in my late teens and early 20s I saw a string of doctors that felt that the only way to treat bipolar disorder was to medicate you into a stupor. I didn’t want to live like that — who would? So I learned that medication wasn’t a good thing. And that view stuck with me for a long time. I’m trying to change that mindframe – medication can help without being as sedating as it was when I was younger.

But at the end of the day, I have a good life, a good job, good friends, good family, and great pets. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, sometimes it’s just hard to see it through the haze of all of the things that I want to change.

One thought on “I think the meds are working

  1. I think of comfort with myself as kind of like a flannel onesie. It may have holes, or it may be worn out in places, or the butt flap might be permanently open, but it will always be the comfiest thing to wear.


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