It’s been about a week since I started the new medication. So far, so good. I’ve found that it’s easier to concentrate, it’s easier to finish something that I start, it’s easier to stay focused, and I’ve found that I’ve been fidgeting less. All good things. The dry mouth though…. oh Lord above, the dry mouth. I’ve always had a bit of it since I started on the lithium 15 years ago, but this… this is unreal. I need to invest in some of those biotene lozenges. Those have worked in the past, I think I need to revisit that until this goes away.
I’ve been doing some thinking recently. Some introspection Do I really like the person that I am? By and large, I do. It’s taken a lot of years, but I’m finally starting to be comfortable in my own skin. But are there things I don’t like? Sure. But it seems like those things I can change with a bit of work.
Unless you’ve never visited my blog before, you know that I go in fits and starts with diet and exercise. But I think in some ways I’m scared to lose the weight. I’m intimidated by the work. I’m frustrated by all of the diet advice out there. I get frustrated easily with the whole thing. I get frustrated that, because of my work schedule, I can’t get to the gym as often as I want or like. I’m frustrated because when it comes to food – I don’t have a lot of self control. I’m a snacker, always have been. And that’s a hard behavior to change, especially when it’s so engrained. When I was a kid I was an incredibly picky eater, and as such, I was incredibly thin. So to encourage me to gain weight, my favorite snacks were always available. So I snacked more than I ate regular meals. I’m trying to substitute something healthier when I do snack – apples, clementines, hummus and naan, rice cakes, etc. But I do keep some candy and sweets around and work a little bit into my meal plan every day (things like 2 orange crème twizzlers, a handful of peanut M&Ms, three peach rings, etc.). Fingers crossed. I guess I just keep plugging at it.
My job. Please don’t get me wrong, I like my job, but I know that I can do more. So this summer is going to be spent on my resume, job hunting, and getting myself out there and hoping that something shakes out. It’s not like I bounce around jobs often – I’ve been with my current company for almost two years, and before that I was at the lab for 6.5. I’ve learned the hard way, though, when it’s time to make a move. And the time is coming, I can feel it. I don’t know where I’ll land of what I’ll end up doing, but I know my opportunity will come. I just have to be ready for it.
My mental health has always been a point of contention for me. But for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m being proactive instead of reactive. I’m in regular therapy, I’ve found a new doctor that takes a more aggressive approach. I didn’t realize it until I saw my new doc, but my last doc was very content with the status quo. He didn’t want to medicate my ADHD, which I’m realizing now was a mistake. He didn’t want to prescribe anything for my anxiety, also probably a mistake. So for years I’ve lived with symptoms that I didn’t have to, mainly because I was too stubborn to push for them. Stubborn, you may ask? Yes, stubborn.
When I was in my late teens and early 20s I saw a string of doctors that felt that the only way to treat bipolar disorder was to medicate you into a stupor. I didn’t want to live like that — who would? So I learned that medication wasn’t a good thing. And that view stuck with me for a long time. I’m trying to change that mindframe – medication can help without being as sedating as it was when I was younger.
But at the end of the day, I have a good life, a good job, good friends, good family, and great pets. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, sometimes it’s just hard to see it through the haze of all of the things that I want to change.