mental health · new me

Therapy and things

So yesterday was therapy day. I’m finding it amusing, on some level, to find out what you can accomplish when you’re a good match with your therapist. Sean and I never connected well, I’m coming to realize. Even two months in I have a better working relationship with Gwen.

Between her and Mike today I fully realized that it’s time to move on, professionally speaking. I know I’ve talked recently about looking for a new job, but that was more because of the somewhat arbitrary deadline that I set myself last year. But I realized today after talking to both of them, that it’s time. It’s time to move on. I’ve gotten what I can from my current position, and it’s time to move on to something better. But it’s nice, because I have time to really put a lot into the whole process. From writing a resume and a cover letter to the job search itself. I’m not under the gun because I need a new job ASAP.

The whole process, though, gives me a lot of anxiety. The stress of the whole endeavor, the time that you have to put into it, the nerves of wondering if you’re going to hear back. The feeling that you’re not good enough, that you’re not qualified enough, and that you’re never going to find anything and you’re going to be stuck in your current job forever. Or maybe that’s just me. I have a lot of anxiety wrapped up in the whole process.

In other big news of the day, I got up early again yesterday (although not as early as the last few days as I didn’t have to be anywhere as early), and headed to the gym. I’ve been struggling with the first day of Couch to 5k, and have had to repeat the day more times than I’d like to admit because I couldn’t do the whole guided run. Well guess what. I did it. My pace was slow – 17’30” – but it’s a personal best for me and I’m actually really proud of myself. I didn’t give up. I kept at it. And I had my first, of what I hope is many, successes. The fact that I’ve kept at it despite not succeeding on the first try is big for me. I kept trying. I didn’t give up.

In a lot of ways, yesterday was a big day full of lots of small successes. Sometimes it’s hard to see the small victories when you’ve got your eyes on the big prize. But I’m trying to learn that they’re just as important as the larger ones. I have big goals. There’s no secret there. Because of that, though, I often lose sight of the little victories that make up each day.

There’s been a lot that’s happened this year that hasn’t been good – losing Watson and Peeps immediately springs to mind, Darwin probably not having a lot of time left as well. But there’s been a lot of good, too. Mike and I are stronger than ever. Agatha and Salem joined the family. I’m on a medication combo that really works for me. I found a new therapist and a new doctor that seem to really work for me. My mental health is the best it’s been in years (aside from that pesky anxiety, but we’re working on it). I’ve got a great group of friends. I’ve developed a strong skill set in both my professional and my personal life. Overall I’m in a really good place. And I’m not really sure how to handle that. It’s a weird feeling and realization for me. I’m not entirely sure that I know how to be happy. And that’s also a weird realization.

Let’s leave it there for today. I hope you’re having a great week and the universe is smiling on you.

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