I decided earlier this week that for once I was going to do something for myself – I’m going to get my nails done. I typically do them myself but they’ve gotten rather long and I’m absolutely pants at shaping them. So I figured I’d go get them done. It was hard at first to justify spending the money on something I could really do myself, but I figured what the hell. I don’t often do things like that, and it’d be nice to have fancy nails for once.
On my birthday I decided enough was enough. I was done screwing around and it was time to get serious about my health. Well guess what – in the three and a half weeks since I made that decision, I’ve lost 7 pounds. My mile time has dropped significantly (about three minutes), and I’m getting stronger every day. Yesterday I did a mile in 16’52” and I managed to complete C25k week 1 day 2. I’m amazed at the things my body is able to do. I’m finding that I’m strong and capable, and that belief is bleeding over into other areas of my life. I didn’t realize how much I needed this in my life. It’s been a major boost to my self-confidence and I’m learning how to be comfortable in my own body. It just took almost 40 years.
As anyone with mental illness an attest it’s the one thing that you’re constantly working on. It feels like there’s always something to unpack or monitor. I was really worried at the beginning that the ADHD med would make me go manic even though it isn’t a stimulant. There was a brief flash of it a few weeks ago, but it only lasted a few hours and was pretty minor, but has made me hypervigilant to the state of my mood. Luckily that seemed to be a fleeting thing and there hasn’t been a whiff of hypo/mania other than that. When my doctor and I were talking about it at the appointment, she told me that she doesn’t prescribe stimulants. I said good, I wouldn’t take them anyway. I’m well aware of the hell that could have been unleashed on something like Adderall and I didn’t want to touch that with a ten foot pole. She kind of chuckled and said that most people wanted the stimulants, to which I pointed out that I would probably end up hospitalized within a week. She agreed and was glad that we were on the same page.
I’m not a moron. I’m well aware of what certain kinds of meds could do to me, and I’m not willing to play a game with my stability. I’ve worked far too hard to get to the place that I am and I’m not willing to jeopardize that.
My therapist has convinced me to give mindfulness a try. I haven’t done it yet – I’m very wary of the whole thing just because I’ve been so bad at it in the past. (fishrobber has a good post about it here). But I’m going to try again. I keep telling myself that I need to find then time, when in reality I just need to make the time. In reality it probably only takes a few minutes. I just… don’t want to do it. But I promised I’d give it the old college try and not just quit after the first time if I don’t make any progress. When did this become a thing? This was definitely not around when I was in therapy years ago. I’m dreading this, and I feel really stupid for saying so.
Overall things are quite good. I’m learning to love the mundane, the little things in life that make it worth it. I’m so used to existing in chaos either in my mind, or in my space, or in other aspects of my life that I’ve had some adjustment issues. Right now the most chaos I have is cats on the desk making nuisances of themselves. Darwin is normally up here, pushing things around and knocking things over, but now Rosie has decided that this is where she also wants to be. It’s especially fun when they both want to be up here. I’m trying to train them to be comfortable on my lap, but my success is varied. It doesn’t help that neither one of them are small cats. Rosie’s a meatball, and Darwin isn’t fat, but he’s really big, and likes to push things that are in his way, which ultimately results in spilled drinks and things getting moved around and pushed off the desk. But you know what? If that’s the only kind of chaos I’ve got going on in my life I’ll take it.
Today’s agenda is pretty full with running around, going to the gym, and other errands. I’m trying to get as much done today so I can hang out with Mike tonight. I close tomorrow so I can also tie up anything that didn’t get done after he goes to bed.
I’m going to leave things here. I hope everyone is having a great week, and has a better weekend. See you Sunday!